my journey with GOD

do not fear

2006-08-06T03:57:00.000-07:00

the end of thy mother earth is near. the anti-christ will rule the earth. it will be devoured with sufferings, pain, hatred, darkness, and fear. thou shall not fear for after this christ will save us. he will be reborn. thou must not be afraid of dying or death. thou must be ready all the time. evil will tempt you to deny GOD and we shall never be tempt by them. do not be afraid of being tortured or being killed by them. they can ruin and hurt our body but they can never take away our faith. sacrifice your body or your soul? your body can be ruined but your soul is safe. or your body is safe but your soul will be burned forever in hell. trust GOD. never lose your faith, hope, and love for him. he will never leave us. he will never abandoned us. coz we are his children and he LOVE us...

nursing

2006-07-08T05:38:00.000-07:00

the course that I've decided to take up... uhm I guess 50% of the reason why I chose this course are my parents... and then the other half was my own... there are many things that I want to do when I grew up... I wanna be a musician, a singer, a doctor, a lawyer, a stage actress, a nun, a nurse, a painter, and an anime artist. whew! I am really an ambitious person... but, why not right? it's not a sin... ok... nursing huh? why not? I'm not like those nursing students who took up nursing just because of the uniform and because it is in demand... I took up nursing because I wanted to help... I didn't mean the money... I mean to help people... especially my family and my countrymen... to care for them like I cared for myself... nurses are in demand that's why almost half of the filipino nurses went abroad... I cannot blame them... they need money... but as for me? money is not important... being a nurse is not easy... taking up nursing is not easy... you have to be really determined... it is a job that requires tlc... the tender love and care. having difficulties especially on my subjects helped me a lot... it made me stronger, determined and more confident. and I know that two to three years from now I will be a nurse... I will...

misunderstood

2006-04-10T23:23:00.002-07:00

I... Lou Ives Martinez Lopez... has no hard feelings... no hatred... and no sadness... in short I totally moved on... actually last year pa eh... pero why can't people understand that even if I did moved on I can't force myself to let go of this love that I have for him... I am trying my best but please don't force me... I've been through a lot of ways on letting go of this love and I know I will soon get over it... but If I failed...I am really sorry especially to my friends... now, all I'm asking is for all of you to understand me... please do try... it's not easy... so please... be there for me... I really need you guys... I really do...

Ps. this post is for my friends and for all the readers of my blogs...

GOD is my refuge

2006-04-10T23:23:00.001-07:00

before I die I wanted to do more significant things for the people who made my life so wonderful and worth living. I wanted to give my whole body and soul to them. I wanted to serve them, to die for them, to hold them without any hesitation, to share my breath to them. why am I saying things like this? Well I went to panggasinan to visit the church of Our Lady of Manaoag last April 23,2006. I wished for great happiness and a wonderful life for those people i love and yet ask her to guide me on what to do and what not to do. after that I started lighting the candles and thenwhile doing that I saw a big beautiful butterfly called mariposa. I remember that someone told me that mariposa means truth... then suddenly I realized that I should be more honest to everyone especially to my loveones. on the way home whenever I looked at the window I see funerals and coffins. I felt like maybe it was a sign that I will soon die... that God wanted to be with me... but then I'm so afraid to leave without letting my loveones know how much I love them especially my family... so I asked him and so is his mother mama mary to give me more time to show them and to help them... I still wanted to become a nurse in order to help the wounded people... I still wanted to be a very good daughter to my parents... an understanding friend to my friends... and I still wanted to be with my loveones more than anything else... I love GOD... so much... but then I think that even if people hated me... they need me more than my LORD does... I have a mission to fulfill and that is to do what my LORD wants me to do... and now I aim to know my Lord much more and to make him known by his sons and daughters... before I leave this wonderful world I will be what GOD wants me to be... I will do his wishes... I will do my responsibility without fear... I will love the people around me unconditionally not just my loveones... all my life I wanted happiness, love and care... I faced so many battles and challenges in my life and surprisingly I overcome them... now I know why I encountered so much pain... it is because If weren't for that I wouldn't be a person like what I am now... It made me more closer to my Lord... It made me realize that God loves me so much and he has faith in me... and I will cherish that forever...=D

i make myself grounded

2006-04-10T23:23:00.000-07:00

no more friendster, no more ym, no more cellphones not unless I really needed, no more hang-outs in short no more FUN for ME... I've done so many mistakes these past years and the only solution is for me to punish myself. I just don't wanna make the same mistakes again. like being a loser, everyday fun, not taking care of myself and all the things around me including school, friends and family. and most of all the unwanted revelations I've notice these past few months. I'm so stupid and careless. so I'm making a list of what I will do to make it up...

-go to church everyday( I just go there during first friday of the month and every sundays so I will do it everyday)
-no more touching cellphone( Only for: emergencies and if really needed)
-no more ym( chatting is really fun but I guess I'll focus more on myself than talking to someone)
-no more unlimited time for friendster( I'll check my friendster maybe once a month nlng)
-no more watching animes( ok, maybe I'll watch I couln't resist not to! I will watch animes but not like before)
-look for a summer job( hahah so that I can help my parents with the bills)
-no more aircon!( I can live without aircon)
-no more ipod during class(no, not my ipod... whew! ok, I'll focus more on my studies)
-help baby sit the kids( that's ok, I'm doing it always when they're here)
-avoid eating delicious foods(ok=D)
-avoid men!
-no more talking to my friends all the time(minimize it)

-well, now I'm starting to do some of the things on the list. hehehe and I'm happy with it. I'm sure after I've accomplish those things I can live a very happy life=D

with tears in my eyes

2006-03-16T03:12:00.000-08:00

reality speaks telling me... "hey now is my time wake up! let me in!" hahaha does reality really talks? back to the topic, I was feeling incomplete. how can I complete myself again? how can juliet forget romeo? how can thee accept reality? a thirsty heart will soon die coz of dehydration. juliet is dying. what will romeo do? maybe nothing... arrrggghhh sad to say but reality talks and it says romeo doesn't care about juliet anymore. what shakespeare said was a lie. romeo doesn't really love juliet. he will not die for her like what he've said in the past. then juliet will die alone unloved.

simple things yet so big

2006-02-15T01:46:00.000-08:00

lately I'm wondering about myself. it feels like all of a sudden I felt really out of place. and then I figured out that I am a big loser! yeah, I have so many friends but I don't know if they considered me as a friend. I felt pity to myself. It felt like I'm just fooling myself, feeling great while everybody's staring at me, laughing at me. I was so afraid of losing someone, everyone! and then after a while It felt like I already lose them. I don't have a friend. I am alone, a loner, a loser, a jerk, a freak and a nobody! all those times I thought I am a somebody and I am not alone. But, I was dead wrong. so all those times, jay was right. that's why many people fooled me including him it's because I'm weak! I trusted them not knowing that they all laughing at me. I am a loser, a big one! I don't have anything. I have nothing. no one likes me, no one loves me, no one cares about me, no one sees me, no one accepts me. I'm trying so hard, doing my best for them to notice me but I failed. people hate me. they judge my acts as if I'm not doing anything good. I am just being myself. why can't they accept me? why do people laugh at me? why do people fooled me? is it because I'm not beautiful, intelligent, rich and famous? I don't need any of that! well... the heck I care! I don't care about you guys! sorry but I am still alive and only God can take away my life. Oh yes, I'm alive. and I don't care about what you guys think about me coz the only thing I cared about is my family so don't waste your time laughing at me coz it's useless... really useless... as long as my family is here with me and God is inside my heart no one can destroy me...

a peaceful and quiet southville

2006-02-13T17:47:00.000-08:00

yah, it's shocking. i woke up early to go to school even if I'm drunk last night. i saw joice talking to sir pol, and then her fone rang and she answered it. i thought it was one of her boylets so I'm smiling at her and teasing her. and then she said " cookie, patay n daw c richard!" and then I said " richard who?" she replied. "richard capilli" ung kuya ni richmond! i was shocked! i thought she's just joking and then I ask sir pol and he said it's true. it happened yesterday while we're having the thanksgiving party. i was so sad coz what happened to him was brutal. he doesn't deserve that kind of death. everyone at southville remains quiet. everyone felt really really sad about it. we went to his wake to see richmond because we was really worried about him. when we hugged him he just cry. everyone was really sad and they can't accept it. his sister was so shocked. I was crying when I saw her went to the coffin and talked to richard. he hugged richmond and said " ung kuya mo richmond! niyakap niya ko! kinakausap niya ko!" so sad... richard was a very kind man, a friend, a brother and a son to his parents. while richmond was telling the story he was crying. so sad... "my condolences to the capilli family".

thanksgiving party

2006-02-12T17:36:00.000-08:00

my sister ivan passed the physical therapist board examination last feb 5, 2006. so as a gift for her success my parents decided to have a thanksgiving party. as usual i don't like parties especially if it's very noisy so i went to my room and have some sanmig light as my drink with a few thoughts about valentines day. before that party me and my eldest sister ivy together with her family went to Par43 mini golf and restaurant at the fort. the kids really enjoyed it. while they were playing, my sister and i decided to go to the nbc tent coz there is a bazzar there. she did some shopping and i of course just watching her and carrying her stuff! damn i look like a maid that time! it seems so quiet around there. well that's all for today.

lost yet waiting

2006-02-06T23:26:00.000-08:00

A few stolen moments is all that we share
You've got your family and they need you there
Though I've tried to resist being last on your list
But no other man's gonna do
So I've saving all my love for you

It's not very easy living all alone
My friends try and tell me find a man of my own
But each time I try I just break down and cry
'Cause I'd rather be home feeling blue
So I've saving all my love for you

You used to tell me we'd run away together
Love gives you the right to be free
You said be patient just wait a little longer
But that's just an old fantasy

You might hate me nor fooled me again
But no matter what happens
I'll be around watching you coz
No other woman is gonna love you more the way i do
and tonight is the night that I feeling all right
I'm saving all my love for you
only for you

world on fire

2006-02-06T01:53:00.000-08:00

Hearts are worn in these dark ages. You're not alone in this story's pages
Night has fallen amongst the living and the dying
And I try to hold it in, yeah I try to hold it in

The world's on fire and It's more than I can handle
I dive into the water (I try to pull my ship)
I try to bring more More than I can handle
(Bring it to the table) Bring what I am able

I watch the heavens and I find a calling. Something I can do to change this moment
Stay close to me while the sky is falling
Don't wanna be left alone, don't wanna be alone

Hearts break, hearts mend. Love still hurts
Visions clash, planes crash
Still there's talk of
Saving souls, still the cold
Is closing in on us

We part the veil on Archille's sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run
The more we take, the less we become
A fortune of one that means less for some

mams bday!

2006-02-04T01:53:00.000-08:00

so many people went in our house lately. whew! it's my mams(mom) bday. why mams? well, i just wanna call her mams heheh para unique! heheh and i call my dad, paps. back to the topic, approximately almost 50 people went in our house to join us in celebrating my mams' bday! including our relatives of course. so tired, i helped her assist her so many guests coz even our maids cannot afford to assist them. maybe you're wondering why my mom invited almost 50 people, it's because she included her amiga's family tsk2... amigas... that's what mams call her friends or barkada. ang sosyal noh? heheh casino, business and ballroom dancing friends. whew! well at least even if it's very tiring, my mom enjoyed it a lot! i lover her so so so much! happy bday mams!

in silence, it hurts more

2006-01-19T02:07:00.000-08:00

feelings are made to be expressed, it is not meant to be helpless nor kept. he/she shouldn't be a loser without fighting nor make regrets for himsel/herself to suffer because in silence it hurts more. I've been thinking lately... when i lost him i was the one who loved him most. but, between us I think he lost more for someday, i can love( if i can) someone the way i love him but he will never be loved again the way i loved him.

a perfect girlfriend huh?

2006-01-17T03:00:00.000-08:00

maybe ur wondering about my title... oh yeah! it's weird... well it's because of our bio knina... hmm we had our sort of personality test and then I've got perfect in nurturance,sentience and succorance which means I'm sweet and kind... according to ms. rissa I'm the perfect girlfriend material... whew! is that true? well it's weird... hmp! the fact that I'm a perfect girlfriend material makes me sick... it feels like I can't believe it... yeah, really! and then I'm the so called slave driver too, asocial daredevil with a never-say-die attitude and the most funny thing was the cum laude thing! whew! maybe I can be a cum laude in my dreams but in reality? nah, it's complicated. heheh. weird facts.... sigh...

euro star, what a nightmare!

2006-01-07T00:20:00.000-08:00

my family and i went to the fort for the euro star carnival thing hahah. everyone enjoyed it except me and my eldest sister ate ivy. hahah we rode the casino ride thing hahah whatever that is. it's a nightmare!!! God! I felt like i was gonna die! the rides were very scary! hahah only the kids enjoyed it coz they only rode on the kids rides. I only rode 2 rides, the casino thing and then the ferriswheel coz i can't take it anymore! I can't ride another spooky ride. hahah sayang ung money! it's almost 400 plus and then I just rode 2 rides! hahah pro this day has been a great day for me because all us(my family) were there...=D

I'm sorry I've fallen

2005-12-27T03:37:00.000-08:00

Heaven bent to take my hand and lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer to a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best but somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

p.e.2

2005-12-14T20:40:00.000-08:00

sad... it's our exam knina... super naiiyk n ko coz my groupmates were blaming me... it's not my fault... yesterday I asked them to practice... pro 3 lng kmi ni mary and elgie n gustong mgpractice... d dw cla pwd coz my xmas party dw cla... including our leader... hay... is it my fault qng d cla maayos nkdance knina? why are they blaming me? super sad... gusto ko tlg umiyk knina coz ang sma ng tingin nila skin... smin... hay... at least inaccept kme hpon ng group ni ju-ju... ngpractice kmi s house niya in pillar... and it turned good... hay... people were treating me different... and the question is... why?

former bsn-1a xmas party

2005-12-14T20:13:00.000-08:00

hmmm at first msma loob ko coz d kmi complete dming wla... pro enjoy nmn kya lng worried ako s mom ko kya umuwi ako agd... nd at first my prob p c joice kya d ako mkaalis agd... super saya nila... nkktuwa clng pnuorin... pro as usual ngpkloser ako d ko alm cguro ms comfortable ako when I'm alone... esp pg my guitar heheh... uhm nbunot ko c ju-ju... I'm so happy kc naappreciate nya ung gift ko... and nkbunot skin c landon super gnda ng gift nya naappreciate ko tlg... I really love music... lalo n pg ngppkloner ako... super sya tlg enjoy kc dming food... tinugtugn ko c rafer ng kung wala ka... heheh hinarana ko xa... nice dba? at least xa naappreciate nya ung kinanta ko...=D... tnx rafer! dmi ring foods! kya aun kain ng kain cla... pro super sad din dhl s nngyri ky joice... at that time I felt n skin gnwa un... xmpre she's my friend... nffil ko ung skit n nffil nya... so wla akong mgwa qng di sbhin na "cgeh iiyk mo lng yan dito nmn kmi" hay sna nktulong un khit konti... I felt bad super wla akong silbi... d ko mn lng xa ntulungn... sad... sorry joice!='C

coleen's bday

2005-12-11T23:34:00.000-08:00

happy happy bday t0 my very loving pamangkin coleengsky! hahah even if we always fight like teasing each other as "bentong and tado" I'm sure she knows how much I love her... I hope she appreciate my gift hahah d ako kumain ng hmmm 3 days pra mbili yang gift mo!... well, they celebrated it in a resort somewhere hir in sucat... hmm d ako ksma how sad! skit kc feet ko... besides d rin ako pwd mgswimming kc d ako mkkswim heheh...=D

my love is like the wind

2005-12-10T00:14:00.000-08:00

I saw him online in ym today but as usual he's not talking to me anymore just like before september... he text me... he buzzes me in ym and teasing me... but after august ends... sad to say everything change... I wanna ask him why coz after the tragedy ended he texted me he said... " friends tau ah! peace!" but happened? why does the friendship ended too? I'm so happy at that time coz even if we're not in a relationship or what we're still friends... and I can still show my love and care... but what happened? whenever I see him personally he's not talking to me or just smiling at me... but he's talking to everyone... what happened? it's like I'm invinsible... he didn't even looked at me or what... I getting pissed off... what's wrong with him? he can't looked at me or even talk to me in person with his friends and my friends around... he's not texting me or answering my texts anymore... he's not talking to me in ym just like before... there is still something... I know... I can feel it... ='C

bio trip

2005-12-09T16:38:00.000-08:00

well it was december 8,2005...whew! super saya t0ng trip n t0h kya d ak0h mgeenglish heheh... well to start... badtrip akoh coz I wake up 2:30 in the morning pra lng mkpunta ng maaga coz sbi nila at exactly 5:00 ung alis... tsk2... sadly d pla 22o un... my accident png nngyri ky herbert... tsk2... wawa nmn xa... and then I think umlis kme mga 7:30 yta... oh dba? shocks... pro ok lng super saya nmn pgdting dun... hmm... nung dumting kme we're nid to ride a boat pah... and it will take 15 mins bgo kme dumting s exact spot... so nsa boat kme with rocel,ju,pat,richmond and the others... lht kme nanginginig... heheh laugh3p kce b nmn biglng umulan ng super lakas... tpos ung sea water pa! heheh pr0 saya tlg! pra kmeng ngswimming sa sobrng wet... pti mga gmit nmin... so un na... while taking pictures nanginginig c richmond... heheh... so un na 15 mins... grbeh tagal! well dumting n kme s place... super excited ako... coz first time kong mgsscuba... kce we've been there last year... field trip nmin nung 4th yr... kso d kme ngscuba... sad... heheh so un ng meeting ang lht s my prng canteen area or whatever... heheh tntkot kme nung guide... pro I am really confident khit mjo nttense akoh... o un na... I join the first batch na mgsscuba... gosh nung nndun n kme lht cla prng ayw... so ako nauna... super happy... nttwa skin ung diver kce nttense ako...=D... pro un nung bumba n kme super sya kce kya ko mgequalize and it became easy for me to breathe... heheh sbi nga nya my future dw ako as a diver naks! heheh... so un grbeh gnda ng corals... super dming fish... tpos ang lalim ng npunthn nmin ni kuya... tpos ntense ako nung ntnggl ung slippers ko! grbeh ngpanic akoh nttwa c kuya skin! heheh d pwdng mwla un coz gift skin ung ng brother koh... so un hinanap nmin ni kuya ang bait dba? tpos xa p ngsuot s paa ko hahah... tpos aun... he let me stand down the sea... ung prng floor ng sea... super saya kce ako lng nkgwa nun s lht... hahah ang sya pra akong bata... super ngenjoy tlga ko pro nung una nttkot ako kce bka d n ko mkrinig pgktpos s lks ng pressure pro nkkpgequalize nmn ako so ok lng...=D... tpos d ko nmlyan n tpos n pla d p ko umaahon hahah twa ng twa c kuya... kce halatang gusto ko p dw... hahah... laughtrip... lht cla ngulat kce ako ung nauna tpos ako ung last ntpos coz super layo at lalim ng nrting nmin! saya tlg!... I really enjoyed it grbeh! tpos un... snorkling na... heheh I'm with tin and richmond... super saya... hahah ngpsaway kme d kme sumusunod dun s isang kuya... kce gusto nmin mkkita ng mrming fish hehhe... tpos un tgl nmin dun grbeh... and then phinga muna... before mg trecking... heheh tpos un ang saya excited n ko kce trecking na... whew! tkot clng lht so as usual ako nnmn ung nsa unahan ksma c kuya joel ung guide nmin hahah ngbbonding n tuloy kme kce ang bgl ng ksma nmin... super ktkot kce slippery and dming bamboo... ako nga tga sigaw ng bamboo pg my nkikita ako heheh... tpos un dmi ring lamok! ntusok ako nung thorn ng bamboo pro akla ko wla lng... aun grbeh nmmga paa ko ngaun! d ako mklkd... nstock ung thorn s paa ko d mtnggl... hay super sad... anyway... aun super saya tlg... putik gurl nga twg nila skin coz super putik putik n ako d ko pnpncn kce ngeenjoy nga ako eh... aun... sya... tpos time n pra mgshower super dmi ng pips so ngdecide kme ni drew n mgsby n mgshower kce preho nmn kmeng gurl haha...bka maiwn kme... aun... twa kmi ng twa s loob ng cr... tpos nhulog ko ung shampoo nya s toilet bowl... sorry pepsi! heheh... laughtrip... pro kdiri ung last kce c boggart ung dog nila n super cute ay my kinuhang napkin s trashcan tpos knkgt kgt nya yak! mron png dugo! prng d ako gurl noh? heheh yak tlg... tpos kumuha p xa ng isa! yakers... eww... hehehhe... tpos pglbs nmin ni drew ng cr... tinginan cla lht smin... twa ako ng twa kce iniicp yta nila n my nngyri smin so sumigw c drew ng "d ako tibo noh!" heheheh laughtrip... aun sumky ulit kme s boat papunta s bus... and umulan nnmn hahah pro ang saya tlg!... pro bdtrip din nung ngstop over kme s isng plce n puro resto... tpos my shell... shocks my 2 guys n nkaupo s hrp ng kfc... pgklbs nmin ni ju sbi nung isang guy " miss ano name mo?" tpos biglng sbi ng "miss pwd mhingi cell number mo? ung nakawyt na cap?" hahah d ko nrealize n ako pla un ngloading utak ko... hmm... tpos nglit c ju sbi nya " sapakin ko kaya kayo?" taray noh? hahah aun... badtrip... dmi tlgng bstos s mundo...grr... heheh...=D

bitterness or undying love?

2005-12-06T03:17:00.000-08:00

what makes the world go round? is it me or it's just you? you are my world... a world full of hopes... dreams... eudaimonia and everything that makes me happy... my ever dearest friend ishky told me that I'm so bitter... whatever she says ... makes me wonder... why? is it because of you or it's just that I chose this life? so many questions revolving in my mind... I'm still searching for the answers... now that he's gone what will I do? will I still wait for him? will I still hoped for it to happen? what will I do if God didn't want us to be together? Can I disobey him? every morning I woke up... I always wonder what to do... and always ask myself why am I here? why am I still waiting for a person who's happy and contented with his life right now? why am I still hoping that maybe God will bring us back together... according to my ever dearest sister hannah... it's called undying love... you still love him and waiting for him even if there's no assurance that he feels the same... God knows how much I love him... he knows how my life became so absurd because of letting him go... he knows why I cried everytime I remember him... his memories... our memories... and he knows why I'm still here... now I know what to do... If we're not meant to be... then I will accept it... coz I want him to be happy... but if he's not... I will do my best to win him back and do everything to make him happy... but If not... I will still go on with my life with my beloved family... now is not the time to give up... I will still wait... still be hopeful... but when the time comes that God wants me to accept the fact that we can't be with each other then I will stop... I know that this is so dramatic... I just want others to know that I'm not crazy... it just so happens that when it comes to love I'm so serious... coz for me it isn't a game... it's a serious matter...

PS. friends... sorry ha... esp ishky.... I know sobrng nkukulitn n kau skin coz u wnt me to move on and find someone who will love me... I'm sorry pro d q kylngn un... msya n ko n mhl ko xa khit d n nya ko mhl... msya ko... swear... qng umiiyk mn ako it doesn't mean n d ako msya... umiiyk lng aq coz naaalala ko ung mga memories nmin together... but I'm really really happy... super msya ako kce minahl ko xa ng gnito... ms lalo kong nkikilala srili ko... tnx guys! sorry ulit... love u so much!=D

feeling happy

2005-11-26T19:57:00.000-08:00

last nyt my mom and I watched the free concert in sm sucat... whew! there's so many people I didn't like the performers... so oldies! my mom asked me to go with her... I don't have any options... she really wanted to watch marco sison... know why? because he really looks like my dad... I felt stupid coz my mom really likes marco sison... she even wanted to kiss him! shocks... what could've my dad felt if he was there with my mom... whoo jealousy maybe... heheh but I admit it... he really looks like my dad... so there it goes... we've waited there for about 2 hours before they arrived... whoo... suddenly when I saw marco sison he was with his kids... while looking at them I didn't notice that one of his son's were looking at me! I think he notice me looking at them... jeez... that's was awful... maybe he thinks I kind of crush him that's why i'm looking at him... well... he's cute yeah I admit it... but at first I didn't notice his face coz it's covered with his long hair... it's not that long... hmm... he's really cute pala! and then he went to the tent probably hiding... whoo... my mom asked me to look at the tent and see if marco sison will come out... so I was like a fool looking at the tent's entrance and waiting for him to come out... that was weird... but... guess what I saw... his son... the one who looks at me... whoo... he's really cute... I think he really captured my eyes... heheh... weirdo... everytime that I'm looking at him I saw him looking at me too... whoo... kind of felt kilig... whoo... I'm happy coz... super tagal ko ng di kinilig noh!.... heheh.... by the way I think my mom notice that I kind of crush that guy... so I was so surprised when he asked the guy's name and so is his cell number! whoo... can't believe she have the guts to do that! mom!!! so I was shouting at her... saying why did you do that?!? kakahiya... gosh! pro at that time I was laughing coz it's really funny... hahah... he's name is mico sison... he lives in alabang whoo... and I've got his number! gosh! weird tlg ng mom ko... kkhiya tlg! well... if you think na I'm texting him... no way... I won't do that! heheh...

trying so hard to hide everything and make myself happy everyday

2005-11-23T04:31:00.000-08:00

I did everything for them. I suffered for them. I sacrificed my own happiness just for them. but for them it was nothing. it's not enough. in return they treated me not as an individual, not as a person but as a dog. they're judging my acts, criticizing my whole personality. yes, they are helping me. they're helping me suffer, scolding me everyday, blaing me for someonelse's stupid act, blaming me for nothing, hurting me, letting me realized that I am nothing but a trash and worst killing me slowly until I'm out of breath. what did I do to them? I only love them so much, gave up everything just for them, but in return what did they do to me? I'm so tired of this situation. I wanna die. I want to be free. I want to have peace. I wanted love. I wanted them to love me. but they don't. they hated me. they want me to die. I am alone. nobody wants me. nobody loves me. nobody cares for me. too much pain, too much sufferings and I can't take it anymore. I'm dying. ='C

the real solitude

2005-11-19T03:30:00.000-08:00

christmas... it's coming soon... how sad... whenever I hear christmas songs I felt really really sad... because I feel alone... not because I'm not with my family or what... it's just that... I remember last christmas both of us were online in ym and were chatting... greeting each other and talking about the gifts and stuffs... awww... why can't I move on?!? why can't I forget him?!? It's super dramatic... everytime I read my blogs there are lines saying "I will move on!" and then "I still love him" oh come on ives... you said it everyday but you're not doing it! I'm so dramatic! gosh! maybe my friends were tired of reading my blogs coz i always said that I will move on and forget him completely but I'm not doing it! because I can't! I'm sorry my dearest friends... I can't do it... I'm really really sorry... I'm really sad... even if you guys were with me, I feel so alone... coz only him can make my life certain... only him can make my life happy... only him can bring back the real me... I don't know what to do... so much pain... I can't take it anymore... I wanted his love... but he fooled me... he's a liar... but eventhough he fooled me... I still love him... and I forgive him... I don't know... it's really complicated... pls forgive me... I'm really really sorry for acting this way... I just wanted to be open... I'm alone... yes, I am...

it's a disaster

2005-11-05T03:25:00.000-08:00

tsk2... after being 1-A in first sem I felt really bad now that I'm in 1-C... it's like I'm really stupid to fall at 1-C... I really felt stupid... I can't show my stupid face to them... I really hate myself... I guess it's because of the tragedy that happened... it's just that I'm so hard headed... that I'm just fooling myself pretending to be ok... lyring to others... saying that I did close the book and ended up our story but all of it were fake... I'm a liar... I'm so stupid... beacuse of this my life is ruined... now I'm in 1-C and I don't deserve it... I'm not a moron... and I'm not an idiot... I deserve more... I didn't gave my best shot that's why my grades were in hell... I'm not focusing on my studies... I'm not concentrating... I'm too busy waiting for him... too busy thinking of him... too busy for him... oh God! all I think of was him... him... him... damn! I'm really crazy... yeah! I admit it... now I will give my best shot... I promise to exert much effort... and I will... I will... I won't let this happen again... I will fight... I will get whatever I wanted... yes, I will... I swear... I won't let others down me... I will fight... I will...

this feeling of envious is killing me

2005-10-29T02:49:00.000-07:00

grrrrr i don't want this feeling!!! it's destroying my good mood. I'm ok now. I've realized that it's his lost not mine. he'll never find a woman like me. I'm unique!!! no one will love him as much as I did. hmmm hahaha... but suddenly I felt envious inside me when I saw some lovers pics shocks... I'm so miserable. hahah but I'm not looking for a boyfriend or something ha... I just miss the old days... with him... hahah even if 2 1/2 months lng kmi we've created so many memories... hahah kya super ung pain n nrrmdm ko now... I love him... I miss him... ='C

d ak0h mgnda

2005-10-28T11:36:00.000-07:00

sori qng tglog tong blog koh... sobrang sama ksi ng loob koh... so aun... ms gusto koh sbhin lht ng nrrmdmn koh s tglog... cguro hnggng dito nlng tlg k0h... ito n tlg ung ktpusan ng mga klokohan koh... sumusuko n ko... sa una plng wla n nmn tlgng pg-asa eh... pro mtigas tlg ulo koh... ayw sumuko ng puso koh... pgod n pgod n koh s kkhinty s wala... pagod n pagod n ko s pgmmhl s isang taong wlng pkirmdm... s isang taong wlng inicp kundi ang srili nya... ayoko na... swng swa n ko... hindi ako mgnda... isa lng akong taong ngmmhl sayo ng sobra sobra... tuluyan n kong llyo... d n ko mgppkita sayo khit keln... pra mtpos n tong klokohan n toh... msya k na?!? pnuputol ko nrin ung friendship ntin... ayoko na... wla nmn akong kwenta sayo eh... pnira lng ako ng buhay mo dba?!? paalam... dis tym totoo n toh... sobrang seryoso n ko...

what is love?

2005-10-26T23:07:00.000-07:00

last last week my friend told me that I don't love "him" na it's just that I miss him and that's it. but deep inside. yes, I miss him and I still love him. according to my philosohy prof you can love a person if you want to. even if you're far away from that person the love is still there coz love doesn't fade if you don't want it to fade. love is not a feeling but a choice. but my mind becomes more curious when I heard the line saying " you don't really love that person, you just love the idea that you love the person". yah it's not easy to know those things but deep inside my heart I know that I love him and I still love him. d ako nalilito sa feelings ko for him or what it's just that I'm curious about those stuffs coz I wanna know the true meaning of love. coz as what I know it is the uncertainty that defines. according to philosophy love is an act of choice not a feeling, coz if it is it can or will easily fade away. I chose to love him because I want to and my whole self wanted to stay in love with him it's not a mentally choice but a feeling that my heart has chosen. did you get it? didn't you feel that way to your loveone,boyfriend or ex boyfriend? I love him. yes I am still in love with him. that's why I'm still waiting and hoping even if people say that it's hopeless. I chose to wait because I love him. even if how many times I say that I will not wait for him anymore and hope that we'll be together I can't because I won't, because my whole self doesn't want to. don't you get it?

true friends

2005-10-23T00:55:00.000-07:00

I'm so sad coz my other friends... they can't understand me... they easily judge me and criticize me... now I know their true identity... I thought they're my friends... I thought they will understand me... but instead they're pushing me away and making me stupid... 0ct 19,2005 I cried becoz of what happened on 0ct 18... shocks... my pals at southville noticed that I'm not feeling well and they talked to me about it... now I know who were my true friends are... I'm very thankful and blessed for having the bugz pamilya and the el pokitas... they helped me ease the pain and proved to me that I'm not alone... love you guys...!!! you were awesome! miss you guys na tlg...=D

melancholy of love

2005-10-23T00:20:00.000-07:00

it's a self composed song of mine... lyrics lang t0h... i hope u'll like it...

I
Lost soul wake up you're surrounded with temptations
harder to breath
trying so hard
take me back to the dreamworld

Chorus
Ahhhhh trying to hide what's inside me
pretending to be ok
drowning in tears
surviving the flame of love

II
Solitude is what I call it
I miss the heaven whe I was with you
blaming myself for letting you go
take me back to the dreamworld

(repeat chorus)

Bridge
dying to be with you
dying to feel you
dying to hold you
dying for your love

(repeat chorus)

that's all... heheh...

it's all worth it

2005-10-22T00:30:00.000-07:00

even if we're tired of decorating the room 203, we're so happy coz we've got the 2nd place. gosh! I'm so happy. harhar. super happy! thank God we won 2nd place. heheh... I'll gonna miss sir pooh and sir labor... whoo...

the worst show ever

2005-10-22T00:26:00.000-07:00

it sucks. last night was the battle of the bands help in our school. honestly I didn't enjoyed it. it sucks. I'm so excited p nmn nd then I got dissapointed about it. yeah the bands were good enough for a competition but the other bands sucks. I appreciate their effort but I can't help but admit that they're not good. whoo... buti nlng dumting ung typecast. harhar.=D

time to close the book and end the story

2005-10-19T20:34:00.000-07:00

at last I will finally let go of the man I love the most... but my love will always be inside of me... I will close the book and end our story and never go back to the dream world... I found out that everything we had together were not true... I'm so stupid... I knew that all along but I cannot stop myself from loving him so... and I still hope that we can be together again... but now I will let him go... I erased all of his pictures in my phone... now I'm trying to erase all of his messages... I hope he'll come tommorow at the battle of the bands... coz I wanna see him for the last time before I end this up... yes I still love him... but even if I let go this doesn't mean that I will try to forget my feelings for him... I will not... My brain wanted me to forget him completely but my heart says no... "just go with the flow" if we're meant to be then we are... but if not... then so be it... God knows how I love him so much... I did everything fo him... even letting him go... setting him free for his own sake... I'm so tired... I want him to be happy... may he be happy...

a lovely day with sir pooh and sir labor

2005-10-17T05:48:00.000-07:00

heheh... this day rocks... it's our international week... sir dacela and sir labor together with the unknown sir were tasked to decorate the room 203 with thailand stuff... in short make it a room look like a place you can call thailand... naks... well... it's super saya... super laughtrip tlg ksma cla... heheh... I've learn a lot of things... and take note nilibre p ko ni sir pooh(sir dacela)... heheh... I'm not hungry nmn tlg but he insisted and he used my class card as a blackmail for me... oh nice idea sir! I'm not really hungry I only ate coolman's halo-halo... but he gave me a food from kfc and he said that if I don't accept it he will be emotionally hurt! shocks... super kulit tlg ni sir! heheh pro I had a really great time with them... I'm so happy... actually na LSS din ako... sa song ng thai... gosh... anu ba un?... chinika... ay ewan... heheh nga pala at last kinanta nrin ni sir pooh ung songs n ncompose nya... wow... kakainlove... heheh... and then napagtanto ko n senti pla si sir labor! whoo... heheh... bsta super happy tlg...=D

trying to hide what's inside me

2005-10-16T02:39:00.000-07:00

I'm here in my room... yesterday I lost my sun sim card... the funny thing is i cried because of that... i love that sim... because of him... his messages were there... that's the reason why I cried... I can't find it... until now I'm still searching fot it... hoping that i will find it... I'm so tired... I can't take it anymore... I felt like a dog... following her master all the time... no freedom... I wish I could ease the pain inside me... I wish I have an amnesia so that I can forget everything... no worries... no pain... no sufferings... I thought I had a great life... with a rich family... being the youngest... having the best parents of all... having everything that I want... but what's the point of being rich? what's the point of having eveything you wanted? what's the point of all of these if you're not happy? I'm sick and tired of these situations... I wanna blow up... my head really hurts... my heart is in pain... my soul is in hell... and worst my whole self wanted to commit suicide... yes I wanted a big house... I wanted all the things that a princess must have... but, I don't need all of these... I need my family... friends and him... all of these things were nothing compared to them... all I wanted is love and care... I wanted honesty... I don't need lies... I want the truth... I'm so tired... I wanna scream... I'm so afraid... I'm such a loser... I did everything for them to accept me and love me... but for them it's nothing... I wanted love... I need love more than anything else... I need them...

the bloody tears of my broken heart

2005-09-13T04:28:00.000-07:00

you don't know the happiness that I'm feeling when you texted me... you don't know how happy I am to see you... you don't know how excited I am to see you online in ym... I love you so much... I can't explain the happiness that I felt when I was with you... even if you're not meant for me... I chose you... I want to spent the rest of my life with you... you're the best person I've ever known... you're the only person who makes my life worth living... I am so happy that I met you... you define me... you're the only person who knows the real me... I'm praying so hard... praying and hoping that we'll be together again even if deep inside my heart I know that it's impossible... I still hoped for it... I felt so alone... you don't know how much you mean to me...

shocks... can't believe that I wrote this stuff... I'm so sorry... I just can't hide my feelings... I'm suffering now... yes I am... and I deserve this... I know... I hope they're happy now...='C

hidden emotions of a dying flower

2005-09-13T04:07:00.000-07:00

I'm hopeless romantic
I'm deppressed
I have been screwed over by love

tears fall to the floor
when you walked out, slamming the door
leaving the impression in my mind
you're truly gone this time
and I just can't help but cry
beating myself up, inside
asking myself why?
why the hell was I so blind
to allow our love to die?
why dod I give up so easy?
Lord, help me understand this.
Why? Oh why? Oh why?
these questions run, continuously, through my mind
killing me a little at a time, for I find no reply
cause I don't have the answers this time
the only thing I know is that...
I still love you...
I'm afraid to let go...
It's over...
and it's all because of me...

if only I can go back to the past... change everything... be with you again... be with the one I love the most... be woth the person that inspires me everyday... be with the person who knows the real me... but I know it's too late... sigh... I wanna sleep and go back to the dreamworld and never wake up again... pls take me back to the heaven... let me be with you again... I promise to take care of you... I promise to hold you tight and don't let you go... sorry to say this but... believe me... it's not easy for me to leave you... but I decided to... coz I know that I'm a burden to you... I felt that you're sick and tired of me... I know you're happy now... and I'm happy for you... I have no intentions of disturbing you... I just wanted to say these things... because I'm suffering... I'm hurting... I miss you... I miss you so much... I know you're really happy now... without me...='C

a lonely birthday

2005-08-16T23:07:00.000-07:00

it's my birthday!!! well I should be happy.... yihee!!! let's rejoice!!!.... oh well... I'm just fooling myself pretending that I'm okay... but the truth is I'm not... when I wake up this morning... I'm not feeling well... it's just that my instinct says that he will not greet me... but as usual... I'm so hard headed... I still hoped for it... even if I feel that it will happen... well... back to the topic... I started my day with a sad face... I don't know why... maybe... it's all because of him... coz I want to be with him... but I know that it's impossible...(sigh)... I can't stop myself from looking at my cellphone... waiting for his text... but it's hopeless... I overjoyed when my friends greeted me... I didn't expect them to know it... oh well... all I wish is for him to remember it and greet me... but he didn't...='C
but later I've realized that I have my friends and my family... so I tried to smile... after dismissal I'm so excited to go home... it's because of the gifts and the foods... but when I looked at the table... oh... it was empty... nothing's there... that's why I asked my mom..."Ma, wla b taung hnda?!?" then he surprisingly answered... "Ay, bday mo b ngaun?!?"... shocks... I really felt bad... so I ran into my room... I saw a scented candle... guess what I did... I took it and light it... and sing... "happy bday to me... happy bday to me... happy bday... happy bday........ happy bday..... to.... me.... gosh! while singing I didn't notice that tears are falling in my eyes... gosh... I felt stupid... It's hopeless... at that time I wished that he is the only one who can make me feel better... so as usual I looked at my cellphone and wait for his text... I felt bored that's why I surf the net and wait for him in ym... surprisingly he logged in... but it's really hopeless... I was waiting there for nothing... he didn't even greet me... shocks... I feel so alone... it's hopeless... I'm dying...='C